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2001-11-17 - 2:42 p.m.
Hold -Saves the Day
Oh well, you've got me under your spell and I don't think that I'm kidding around. I don't think I can forget you now. I once sat up on my roof and examined the planning of my town. I saw the structured grid and pavement cutting through grass and I remembered the cold of winter running up the legs of my pants. I picked the nicest lawn and imagined the two of us rolling around down along the ground. I saw myself touch your face and I noticed jets begin to race above our heads. But I pinched my arm and remembered how much you hate me. I remembered the fact that I can't see what you need and I'm too stupid to be aware of the beauty that you give this place and how shitty this town would seem without you in it. When you aren't around I let the shades fall down to shut out all the sun's light and make myself feel all right. What am I doing with my life? Remember that the only things we need sometimes are chilly nights and warmer thighs, 'cause there's nothing like being held.
do u ever think about how the littlest things that we do may leave a huge impact on people? people that aren't even alive yet, like future children...our own children...for example...i want to be an awesome mom, i want to be really open with my kids. but i've made sooo many mistakes already, and i'm only a month short of 18, how do i explain my fucked up self to them? i dont want them to make the same mistakes that i did, but i am not going to prevent them from doing that in any way, becuz they have to learn. and past mistakes are the guidelines to which we live our lives. picture me saying, "well kids, i lost my virginity in the backseat of a van, so don't do that..." ughhh i dont even know why i'm thinking about children. wot if i end up not having any kids at all...then this whole entry will be pointless...however its a thought to ponder. i have a younger brother that worships my every move...that makes me want to be careful in wot i do...but its hard to do that...as much as i love him...i have to live my life for myself...or i'll miss it...maybe if t could just come along and wrap his arms around my body and tell me he loves the smell of my hair, and the soft touch of my skin, while holding me tight...then maybe i'll shut up and stop this nonsense thinking....damn him
