2003-02-27 - 1:11 p.m.

Ana's Song (Open Fire) ~ Silverchair

Please die Ana For as long as you're here we're not You make the sound of laughter and sharpened nails seem softer And I need you now somehow And I need you now somehow Open fire on the needs designed On my knees for you Open fire on my knees desires What I need from you Imagine pageant In my head the flesh seems thicker Sandpaper tears corrode the film And I need you now somehow And I need you now somehow Open fire on the needs designed On my knees for you Open fire on my knees desires What I need from you And you're my obsession I love you to the bones And Ana wrecks your life Like an Anorexia life Open fire on the needs designed On my knees for you Open fire on my knees desires What I need from you Open fire on the needs designed Open fire on my knees desires On my knees for you

~ open fire, on my knees desires, and i need you now somehow, and i need you now somehow. i have a problem. well more than one. but one that i am focusing on right now. i'm morbid. can you believe it? i don't feel like i am, but when i look in the mirror it's clear. and i'll never be happy until i rid myself of the morbidity. which may seem to take a while. so i won't be happy for a while. stay clear of my path, stay clear of my wrath, it will come, it will show, it will hurt, and it will annoy, but it will not disappear easily. i have to quit smoking but i'm not ready to. cigarettes relax me. i'm addicted to them. i don't know if i will be strong enough to kick the habit that haunts me.

Thunder Underground ~ Ozzy Osbourne

Your thoughts are compromising Self - centered, patronized Your image supersedes your soul You find me mystifying Subhuman, so annoying You can't have me under control You think you live forever You don't find that profound You won't think, you're so clever When you hear thunder underground, all right now Your morbid fear of losing Destroys the lives you're using You only have one point of view The stigma of delusion Confirms your self illusion And after all this could be you When you hear thunder underground, here we go now Could it be that I have found my mind or have I gone insane? Roller coaster of the madness and there's only me to blame The ever faithful hand of doom will take the pain away I'll never know the answer to it all 'til my dying day Your bullshit culture licking Can't stop the deathwatch ticking You're only mortal after all Your appetite for power Subverts your every hour But every time the mighty fall

~ and the pain is evident. it hangs on my shoulder and pokes fun when i need it the least. it makes me feel disgusting, ugly, unwanted. why me? as if i don't already have enough issues. this has been in my mind for a while now. the surgery. there are so many risks, and so many issues. will my insurance give me the go ahead. i fucking hope so. now how do i tell my mom that i want to do this. how? i don't know how she'll react. she probably won't like the idea one bit. but you know what? i need this. i need it to make me healthier, to live longer, to be more active, more attractive, more social, more everything that i'm not.

Unwanted ~ Avril Lavigne

All that I did was walk over Start off by shaking your hands That's how it went I had a smile on my face and I sat up straight Oh, yeah, yeah I wanted to know you I wanted to show you You don't know me Don't ignore me You don't want me there You just shut me out You don't know me Don't ignore me If you had your way You'd just shut me up Make me go away (That i'm so unwanted) No, I just don't understand why you won't talk to me It hurts that I'm so unwanted for nothing Don't talk words against me I wanted to know you I wanted to show you You don't know me Don't ignore me You don't want me there You just shut me out You don't know me Don't ignore me If you had your way You'd just shut me up Make me go away Make me go away I tried to belong It didn't seem wrong My head aches Its been so long I'll write this song If that's what it take You don't know me Don't ignore me You don't want me there You just shut me out You don't know me Don't ignore me If you had your way You'd just shut me up Make me go away Make me go away Make me go away

~ when i look at myself i see it. it's like a bug bite that won't stop itching, only it's mental. it's horrible. i don't think i'll be able to take it much longer. but that involves calling my doctor, and getting approved, i qualify, so why not right? i've heard so much good stuff about it. it's not necessarily natural, which my mom won't like, but it's easy and it will improve me. i'll finally be loveable.

Bruises ~ Lisa Germano

Coffee in the morning And wine in the evening And everything else is boring, boring You are a nothing But all I can think of is you The sun could be shining, But all i can see is a black and blue Bruises, bruises, bruises, bruises At the moment, I talked all my way out of that But heavy with feeling, I know that I weigh extra fat Was trying to be sleeping And these always thoughts came to me Was something that took to get me out bed, misery Make it better, all right Make it better, all right Make it better, Make me better So shooked with feeling I drift back to it easily How did you do it Make more out of nothing of me Bruises, bruises, bruises, bruises And when you start counting There's too much to count And it's all repetition And what did we do by the way? I know it's a warning But all i can think of is coffee in the morning Wine in the evening And everything else is a black or boring bruise, bruise Make it better, all right Make it better, all right Make me better Make me better, all right

~ does it leave scars? scars are permanent reminders of past experiences. i have a few impacting ones that i can't let go of. i just want to be loved. if it takes all of this. i might as well prepare myself for it. this society demands perfection and i'm not it. but i have the ability to be. i just don't know how to get there. but i'm trying, i'm learning, and i'm dying.....to know. please god give me a sign. is this the path i am supposed to take?? no more sleepless nights, no more scary breathless moments. i don't want to die young. i want to impress those i love. i want to be what i want to be. i know i can. i just have to try. and i'm trying. i don't know if i'm doing it right, but i'm still trying. why does my life have to be so difficult? i would take so many other problems on if i could just get rid of this one. this one that haunts and taunts my every move, my every minute, my every second. my every thought. i'm falling apart.

past present future