2003-05-20 - 8:32 p.m.

Blue Monday ~ Orgy

how does it feel to treat me like you do? when you've laid your hands upon me and told me who you are I thought I was mistaken I thought I heard your words tell me, how do I feel tell me now, how do I feel those who came before me lived through their vocations from the past until completion they'll turn away no more and I still find it so hard to say what I need to say but I'm quite sure that you'll tell me just how I should feel today I see a ship in the harbor I can and shall obey but if it wasn't for your misfortune I'd be a heavenly person today and I thought I was mistaken and I thought I heard you speak tell me how do I feel tell me now, how should I feel now I stand here waiting... I thought I told you to leave me while I walked down to the beach tell me how does it feel when your heart grows cold

~ tell me how i feel. you seem to know everything. so you must know how i feel. how do i feel now? am i sad? am i happy? am i careful? am i lazy? do i help? do i make a mess? do i cause you stress? i think i do. no i know i do. i'm just a ball of stress. waiting to explode. if only time went by faster. then everything would be okay. just know that i am truly trying.

16 ~ Green Day

Every night I dream the same dream Of getting older all the time I ask you now, what does this mean? Are these problems just in my mind? Things are easy when you are a child But now these pressures have dropped on my head The length I've gone are just long miles Would they be shorter if I were dead Every time I look in my past I always wish I was there I wish my youth would forever last Why are these times so unfair Look at my friends and see what they've done Ask myself why they had to change I like them better when they were young Now all these times are rearranged I look down and stand there and cry Nothing ever will be the same The sun is rising, now I ask why? The clouds now fall and here comes the rain

~ the dream still taunts. it haunts. it flaunts. it's still fresh in my mind. i need to let go of the past. i need to look forward to the future. but it seems to be such a trying task when the people from my past keep popping up like those stupid carnival games where you have to hit as many as you can as fast as you can. well he's back. and he'll be around. for the summer. but then everything will change again. and i can't take the change. i can't take the remembering. the fucked up things old, now ex-friends did to ruin me. out of jealousy. they tried to ruin me. i still don't know who did it. i never did it. i know who did. but i'd like to know. if i knew before it would have been fixed. i would've kicked some ass and taken down some names for the next day. but that never happened. because freshman year no one was on my side. they made me look like a total idiot. a complete fool. a joke. is that what i am? a joke? fuck you sara hearn. fuck you and your white trash facade.

Ain't No Sunshine ~ Bill Withers

(***with gender changes by moi)

Ain't no sunshine when he's gone It's not warm when he's away Ain't no sunshine when he's gone And he always gone too long anytime he goes away Wonder this time where he's gone Wonder if he's gone to stay Ain't no sunshine when he's gone And this house just ain't no home Anytime he goes away And I know, I know, I know, I know I know, I know, I know, I know I know, I know, I know, I know I know, I know, I know, I know I know, I know, I know, I know I know, I know, I know, I know I know, I know Hey I'll leave the young thing alone But ain't no sunshine when he's gone Ain't no sunshine when he's gone Only darkness everyday Ain't no sunshine when he's gone And this house just ain't no home Anytime he goes away Anytime he goes away Anytime he goes away Anytime he goes away

~ my song. except to me it's he instead of she. i love to sing this song. it warms up my vocals. it flows with any music. it's sick. it'll be recorded by me one day. you might hear it if you're lucky. but he's always gone. so i'll sing it til i die.

Here Comes That Feeling Again ~ Counting Crows

Here comes that feeling again you're always around me This island life never ends it just circles inside me and when we're older we'll go back to being friends but oh, here comes that feeling again I better get away from all these oh-so-familar places that I see I gotta find a place without so many familar faces in front of me when I wake up in the morning and there's no one there but me I'll remember I'll remember Here comes that feeling again you're always around me This island life never ends it just circles inside me and when we're older we'll go back to being friends but oh, here comes that feeling again Gotta keep on moving through these distances between yesterday and now as if all this riding on these white lines will make them fade away somehow Do you try not to remember the things you cannot forget and are you sorry for what hasn't happened yet I stare at everyone it makes me wonder why I can't see anyone but you maybe change and all these faces reappear in different places and I can't see a thing but you Here comes that feeling again you're always around me this island life never ends it just circles inside me and when we're older we'll go back to being friends but oh,

here comes that feeling again

~ with you coming back, the feeling might return as well. i cannot believe what a small world it is, and how much my family is going to start making fun of my affections because he's back and they know that i like him. well i've gotta go. my free time is up. and so is my heart.

past present future