2003-09-04 - 4:19 p.m.

”First Day”

there's people constantly passing
speed changes with each one
pac plays in my headphones
his voice shivers these tired bones
i think i'd like to be like him
and leave with an impact
and not give time to react
as we would slowly lose eye contact
no time left to feel
just time left to heal
but for now i write.
no more picking a fight
because when i'm gone
all that will be left is my songs
for all to hear and read
for all to interpret individually
but i'm not quite gone yet
i'm just using my creative outlet
putting thoughts onto paper
forming sentences that last forever

~ so I wrote this on Tuesday, the first day back to school for me. It’s not bad though because I only have classes on Tuesday’s and Thursday’s. my feet are killing me. I stupidly wore my new black boots without slowly breaking them in and now my dogs are barking. That and the fact that my feet would hurt in prolly any pair of shoes considering the lengths I’ve walked today. Now I am killing time until 5:15 when I have my last class. Then it’s weekend time. No work this weekend either which means I’m prolly gonna go up to uconn at some point. And see marc and dave and joe and whoever else he’s living with this year, and flan, and kenz. I’m excited, I haven’t seen makenzi since she’s been back from Australia. I miss those two. Flan and kenz are two of my dearest friends. We might barely see each other, but when we do, we have a great time. Like no time has passed between the last time we were together. I love that. So I’ve taken up a new hobby while I’m at school. I’ll write down a thought when it comes to me because I have a terrible short term memory. Here is a small collection of randomness that I have accumulated throughout the course of the day :
- i hate lawyers, except for mine.
-sometimes i wish i could argue about religion, but to do so i need to know more.
-my mom called me a stupid-ass this morning when she dropped me off at college. -today i will attempt to be sober until about 7pm.

"J"

same old shit, just another day
that's what you always say
but tomorrow will be something different
our moment is coming, i'm sure of it.
people tell me to just let you go
"you can do better kelly, i know"
but i don't listen too carefully
they don't know the you that i see
if they did they'd change their outlook
because you are like an endless book
so full of experience and detail
without your input i would fail.

~ this is something that came out of my whirlwind mind last night right before I went to bed. I figured since it’s always on my mind I might as well put some of it down on paper. I’m just confused. If I could choose who I liked, I never would’ve chosen him, but I, Kelly, the person, cannot choose something like that. Instead, my heart chooses for me. This is what my horoscope said today :

The Stars are giving you the go-ahead. Your timing and location are perfect. You're obviously looking for fun, since fun is what you're getting. Jealousy is impossible under these circumstances.

It’s almost taunting. I hope this is true. I don’t think I can handle anymore sadness, anymore jealousy. I hate to admit to being jealous. I guess that makes me like everyone else. But I hate to be jealous of someone whose got nothing on me. So people have been telling me that you’re not good enough. But they don’t really know you. It still pisses me off though. Sometimes I wish I felt nothing. But then I think about it and realize that I would lose all of my inspiration if I didn’t feel anything.
k ~ i've been neglecting, when it comes to writing a letter to you. i think it's because to sit down and write means to realize that you're really gone. when you left things were left too. open. feelings left open. i feel bad. for J. not for him HIM, but for the act of him, because the act of him requires me reacting.

past present future