2003-09-08 - 5:36 p.m.

Rain On Me ~ Ashanti

Mmm...mmm...mmm...mmm...
Mmm...mmm...mmm...mmm...
Mmm...mmm...mmm...mmm...mmm...

I’m lookin’ in the mirror
At this woman down and out
She’s internally dyin’
I know this was not what love’s about

I don’t wanna be this woman
The second time around
‘Cause I’m wakin’ up screamin’, no longer believin’
That I’m gonna be around

And over and over I tried
Yet over and over you lied
Gettin’ over and over my pride, yeah
I don’t know why

And over and over I tried
Yet over and over you lied
Gettin’ over and over my pride, yeah
I don’t know why Rain on me Lord, won’t you take this pain from me I don’t wanna live, I don’t wanna breathe Baby, just rain on me Lord, won’t you take this pain from me I don’t wanna live, I don’t wanna breathe, no See, I don’t want to hold my pillow late at night no more I’m tossin’ and turnin’ and thinkin’ ‘bout burnin’ down these walls I-I don’t wanna fuel this fire no more, no more, no more See, I made up my mind ‘cause I’ve wasted my time Ain’t nothin’ here to keep me warm And over and over I tried Yet over and over you lied Gettin’ over and over my pride, yeah I don’t know why

And over and over I tried
Yet over and over you lied
Gettin’ over and over my pride, yeah
I cried, I cried, I cried, I cried, I cried

Oh...oh...oh...oh...

Rain on me
Lord, won’t you take this pain from me
I don’t wanna live, I don’t wanna breathe
Baby, just rain on me
Lord, won’t you take this pain from me
I don’t wanna live, I don’t wanna breathe, no

I’m so tired of the rain
In my life
And I’m so tired of the strain
And now you’re gonna lie

‘Cause sometimes I can’t sleep at night and
This here it just don’t seem right and
Sometimes I just wonder why I
Don’t know, let my life go by

‘Cause sometimes I can’t sleep at night and
This here it just don’t seem right and
Sometimes I just wonder why I
Don’t know, let my life go by

Oh...oh...oh...oh...oh...oh...

Rain on me
Lord, won’t you take this pain from me
I don’t wanna live, I don’t wanna breathe
Baby, just rain on me
Lord, won’t you take this pain from me
I don’t wanna live, I don’t wanna breathe, no

Rain on me
Lord, won’t you take this pain from me
I don’t wanna live, I don’t wanna breathe
Baby, just rain on me
Lord, won’t you take this pain from me
I don’t wanna live, I don’t wanna breathe, no

Ooh...ooh...
Ooh...ooh...
La-la-la-la-la-la-la
La-la-la...
La-la-la-la-la-la
Ooh...ooh...ooh...

~ So being me is a really difficult task these days. i have a huge fear of rejection and i let myself get close to someone only to be rejected in the end. how am i supposed to get close to anyone again? because the pain i feel right now is too much for me. i don't think i can handle it. i continue to torture myself by just being in his presence. and not only that but having to watch him and his ex-but now re-instated girlfriend cohort around like love is some sick addictive drug that makes people do stupid things like fight and get fought and get arrested. carl says its because he's blinded by love that he can't see what's right in front of him. and everyone keeps telling me that they're so in love and blah blah blah. but you know what, i don't see it. i don't see it because i used to be able to tell things by his face and i still can somewhat. and in his face i can see that maybe this isn't everything he wanted. but at the same time i can't tell because i spent the hours listening to the sad love songs trying to comfort him when he didn't even want to talk. i was just a distraction when it comes down to it. he used me to get her off his mind and now he feels the guilt. everytime he looks at me he'll see it in my face. the hurt. the pain. if he can read me so well like he says he can then he will see it. maybe if i looked better? it's so disgusting to realize that in the end it all comes down to looks. i am a better person than she will ever be. i would treat him so much better than she ever could. but he won't take that chance because now she's crawling back, playing the damsel in distress and i get tossed to the side like an abandoned newspaper. left to collect dust on a shelf while he goes out and plays happy. i can see it in your eyes. something still isn't right. if you can't even face me. if you can't even talk to me. if you can't stand being around me then i know. i've gotten to you. and you will feel the guilt until i am happy again.

from Without You ~ Jagged Edge

I'm nothing without you
Like a fire with no flame, girl it's all you
I can hardly maintain
You with no me, the earth with no sea
The birds with no bees
That's the way I'm gonna be
Nothing without you
Like a fire with no flame, girl it's all you
I can hardly maintain
You with no me, the earth with no sea
The birds with no bees
That's the way I'm gonna be without you oh

~ i wish everytime he listened to this song he was singing it to me. but he's not. every word is meant for her. no matter what i do. he's blinded. but i don't think it's real. i think it's more in the head then it is real. because i don't see them together forever. i think that there is still a lot ahead of both of them. i hope that he realizes this soon, before there is time for him to get hurt. i think when it's real love you should know. you should'nt have to try to love, it should just come naturally.

Breakdown ~ Mariah Carey ft. Bone Thugs N Harmony

Break, breakdown. Steady breakin' me on down.
Break, breakdown. Steady breakin' me on down.
Break, breakdown. Steady breakin' me on down.
Break, breakdown. Steady breakin' me on down.

You call yesterday to basically say
That you care for me but that you're just not in love
Immediatly I pretended to beel similary
And led you to believe I was O.K.
To just walk away from the thing
That's unyielding and sacred to me

Well I guess I'm trying to be nonchalant about it
And I'm going the extremes to prove I'm fine without you
But in reality I'm slowly loosing my my mind
Underneath the guise of a smile gradually I'm dying inside
Friends ask me how I feel and I lie convincingly
'Cause I don't want to reveal that fact that I'm suffering
So I wear my disguise 'til I go home at night
And turn down all the lights and then break down and cry

So what do you do when somebody you're devoted to
Suddenly just stops loving you and it seems they haven't got a clue
Of the pain that rejection is putting you through
Do you cling to your pride and sing "I will survive"
Do you lash out and say: "How dare you leave this way"
Do you hold on in vain as they just slip away

Well I guess I'm trying to be nonchalant about it
And I'm going the extremes to prove I'm fine without you
But in reality I'm slowly losing my my mind
Underneath the guise of a smile gradually I'm dying inside
Friends ask me how I feel and I lie convincingly
'Cause I don't want to reveal that fact that I'm suffering
So I wear my disguise 'til I go home at night
And turn down all the lights and then break down and cry

Yeah, c'mon, yeah, c'mon c'mon.
Breakdown, breakdown.
Break, breakdown. Steady breakin' me on down.
Gotta get control and roll, roll, roll on.

Gonna break ya down, only if ya let it.
Everyday crazy situations rockin' my mind tryin' to break me down,
but I won't let it.
Forget it, forget
I be feelin' like you're breakin' me down,
kickin' me 'round, stressin' me out.
I think I better go and get out and let me release some stress.
Don't ever wanna feel no pain, pain.
Hopin' for the sun, but it looks like
rain, rain, rain, rain.
Lord, I just wanna maintain.
Yeah, I can feel the pressures, y'all,
but nevertheless Krayzie won't fall.
It's over.
It's endin' here.

Well I guess I'm trying to be nonchalant about it
Break, breakdown. Steady breakin' me on down
And I'm going the extremes to prove I'm fine without you
But in reality I'm slowly loosing my my mind
Underneath the guise of a smile gradually I'm dying inside
Friends ask me how I feel and I lie convincingly
'Cause I don't want to reveal that fact that I'm suffering
So I wear my disguise 'til I go home at night
And turn down all the lights and then break down and cry

~ i think part of the reason that i am taking this so hard is because of the feeling that i get. when it was just me and him, there was this presence that superceded us. it was like an ora but an ora of a feeling. i haven't felt that way in a long time. and usually it's just a passing feeling. but it hasn't left when he's around me. it's there, and it seems like it's staying. i hope this gets easier like jess said it would. as time goes on...things will get easier. i hope she is right. i just don't know how long i can maintain in this hurt that consumes me.

past present future