2003-11-15 - 2:21 a.m.

Bringing on the Heartbreak ~ Mariah Carey
Gypsy, sittin' lookin' pretty
A broken rose and laughin' eyes
You're a mystery
Always runnin' wild
Like a child without a home
You're always searchin'
Searchin' for a feelin'
But it's easy come and easy go

Oh.... I'm sorry but it's true
You're bringin' on the heartache
Takin' all the best of me
Oh can't you see
You got the best of me
Whoah can't you see

You're bringin' on the heartbreak
Bringin' on the heartache
You're bringin' on the heartbreak
Bringin' on the heartache
Can't you see
Oh

You're such a secret
Misty eyed and shady
Baby, how you hold the key
Oh, you're like a candle
Your flame slowly fadin'
Burnin' out and burnin' me
Can't you see
Just tryin' to say to you

You're bringin' on the heartache
Takin' all the best of me
Oh can't you see
You got the best of me
Oh can't you see

You're bringin' on the heartbreak
Bringin' on the heartache (bringin' on the heartache)
You're bringin' on the heartbreak (yeah.... yeah yeah yeah)
Bringin' on the heartache
Can't you see
Can't you see

No
No
No....
Oh.... hey baby

You got the best of me
Oh can't you see (oh can't you see)
You got the best of me (you got the best of me)
Oh can't you see (oh can't you see....)
You're bringin' on the heartbreak (yeah.... yeah yeah)
Bringin' on the heartache (you're bringin' on the heartache)

You're bringin' on the heartbreak (oh oh you're bringin' on bringin' on)
You're bringin' on the heartache (the heartbreak.... bringin' on)
You're bringin' on the heartbreak (oh....)
You're bringin' on the heartache (you're bringin' on the heartache)
You're bringin' on the heartbreak (hey yeah.... can't you see)
You're bringin' on the heartache (you're bringin' on the heartache)
You're bringin' on the heartbreak

hey yeah yeah....
hmmm....

(Friday, Nov 7th...)
~ i am so stupid. a lot happened tonight so i must recollect it now while it is still fresh in my mind. dwight. ha. how did that happen? and j? where did he go? i lost him? or did he lose me? i don't know how it all happened. it was the mix of potential jealousy on his part, and the current jealousy on my part. but you know what? i know when i'm not wanted. and tonight i wasn't wanted. so i found my own fun. and i'm guessing he found his. i don't know why i care. i know understand why i care. i wish i didn't care. i don't want to care sometimes. right now is one of them. he's driving me crazy, but at the same time i want him. and i can't go on like this. the headgames. i didn't want to have to play headgames, and look what happened. i lowered myself to your level tonight. i'm not speaking about what happened tonight to anyone. except the one who was involved. and he treats me better than the other he does. he holds my hand, and plays with my fingers, and he asks if i'm cold and even if i'm not he keeps me warm, and he holds doors for me, and he wraps his arms around me and he puts his arm around me when we sit, and he kisses sweetly, and he likes good old rock and roll and he likes to drink and get it on and he has good taste and we have a lot in common and we have a good time together, but i just don't know if that's what i want. the fact that i even have to contemplate it lets me know that it's not right. because i still want him. why the fuck do i want him? i mean, he's a sweetheart when we're together, but he can be very quiet and pissy whenever people are around annoying him which happens a lot but still, i can't stand it. the flirtatious rep he must uphold, the bitches that i just "don't know about" even though i know about them. and tim doesn't want me to get hurt and he tries to sell me to other guys so that i won't get hurt but i'm hurt either way because i can't have what i want. at least right now i can't. so much emotion. so much angst. i wish that he could be more like the newest he. what's going on with us? what is it? why am i so fucking drawn to you. i've never felt this strong for someone before. not even someone's brother. or bai. no one. i don't remember this pain of not knowing, feeling like i'm losing him. feeling like i don't matter. that ain't a friend to me. i need to get over this guy now. he's not the only one out there. but i'm so attached it's tearing up my heart. how did i let this happen? i am so stupid.

(Friday continued...)
~ last night i was wanted. i remember. you and i hung out together and we talked about a bunch of shit and we sat in the chair together and watched the adam sandler movie and went on the ride. and we cuddled. and we drove. and we sang to the music on the radio. and you care(d). at least you acted like you did. and that's what you always tell me. "because i care" is what you tell me. you use it to get to me. but i know that when you say it it's true. but the new he asks me if i'm okay even when i am. why can't i get rid of you. why do you have to get to me. i don't want to love you. at least i keep telling myself that every day. but your bringing on so much heartbreak i can't get you off my mind. these fucking headgames. i hate this shit. not knowing where you are. sitting here thinking about you when i'm probably not on your mind at all. you'll feel it. i know you will. tomorrow maybe you'll come to and realize that maybe you're losing me. and if you're okay with that, then let me know, because i'll be gone quicker than you can count to three. i won't come around for you anymore. i won't talk to you anymore. you won't be my friend. i'll erase you physically until i am able to erase you mentally. if that's what you want, because i'll do it. i don't need to feel this much pain anymore.

You know, I wonder if they'll laugh when I am dead
Why am I fighting to live, if I'm just living to fight
Why am I trying to see, when there aint nothing in sight
Why I am I trying to give, when no one gives me a try
Why am I dying to live, if I'm just living to die
~ Runnin' (2 Pac)

(This past Friday, the 14th...)
~ nothing means anything anymore. i am just going to try and erase everything that you've ever said to me because it is clear that i cannot tell when you're lying or not. how long has this been going on? how can you just drop me like this? you stop calling, you stop talking, you're not even living. i can see it when i look at you. there's no life in there. it's all a routine. nothing excites you, nothing is ever good enough for you. you're like the rest of them. all you do is deceive me, now i don't know what to believe. and now you say you're fucking someone else. and you know all of the right buttons to push and then you just take off before there can be a round two, a make-up round. we need to talk. aside from the relations that i'll not speak of, you and i were supposed to be friends. we had a great friendship going, and you just gave up. you don't care. you just don't care. and i do. and i can't just stop. you're breaking my heart. thanks. and even as these teardrops fall, i will hold my head high and try to carry on. i should've known better. i'm so stupid. i lost you. i think i might've never had you. but what little bit that i did is now gone. i don't know you anymore. i don't want to either, the headgames stop here. you say that you don't want drama when all you do is fucking cause it. i hope you had fun tonight. tons.

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