2003-11-21 - 2:32 a.m.

"Shadow" ~ Britney Spears

Your body’s warm
But you are not
You give a little
Not a lot
You coup your love
Until we kiss
You’re all I want
But not like this
I’m watching you disappear
But you, you were never here

It’s only your shadow
Never yourself
It’s only your shadow
Nobody else
It’s only your shadow
Filling the room
Arriving too late
And leaving too soon
And leaving too soon

Your body gives
But then holds back
The sun is bright
The sky is black
Can only be another sign
I cannot keep what isn’t mine
You left and it lingers on
But you, you were almost gone

It’s only your shadow
Never yourself
It’s only your shadow
Nobody else
It’s only your shadow
Filling the room
Arriving too late
And leaving too soon
And leaving too soon

I cannot tell if you mean what you say
You say it so loud, but you sound far away
Maybe I had just a glimpse of your soul
Or was that your shadow I saw on the wall
I’m watching you disappear
But you, you were never here

It’s only your shadow
Never yourself
It’s only your shadow
Nobody else
It’s only your shadow
Filling the room
Arriving too late
No, no, no
It’s only your shadow
It’s only your shadow
Nobody else
It’s only your shadow
Arriving too late
And leaving too soon

It’s only your shadow

~so tonight was spent together. but i'm not sure if it meant anything. this song is so him. the second i read the lyrics i knew i had to download it, and it's a damn good thing that i did, because this is so him. i feel guilty. but i shouldn't. i'm not responsible for the other girl's feelings. i've come to the conclusion that he's ashamed of me. i ask him what's wrong with me and he thinks i'm asking in general. i want to know what's wrong with me to the point where i am not enough that he needs to go find another girl. there's a reason that i put up with his actions, and if i could only let him know that reason, i would feel a great weight lifted. i try to talk to him, and i end up feeling like i should just be quiet and say nothing. there's so much that i just don't understand and i don't know if i ever will. he's ashamed of me. i know it. i'm not stupid. i'm not what he wishes i were and he's to immature to realize that beauty is not only skin deep. i need to change. and i will. i'm slowly getting there. but this change is not for him or his benefit. this change is for me. and i'll show everyone. and when he sees it, he'll want everything that he is taking for granted right now. i need to focus on it. i will. i'll show him. and he'll regret all of this wasted time. just wait.

“If we can only learn to take, our anger and our hate
Control our mental state, settle down, and just set it straight
Maybe then we can learn to take a second to pump the brakes
Before we said it, regret it later, and let it escalate
Cause by then its too just late, there’s so much we can take
There’s only so much someone can swallow and tolerate
To the point that he just breaks, snaps and that’s all it takes"
(the beginning of em's verse in One Day at a Time w/ Pac)

~ What have we become? This weekend was definitely an experience. It was great to have Jenn and Michelle around just like the old times. I miss my past…but I have to look to the future. Meanwhile, what the fuck is going on with J? He was off this weekend. Not off of work. Off of the rocker. Everything was just weird. He kept disappearing all weekend. Finally I was able to talk to him on Sunday. We watched a movie and talked about our weekends. I told him that it seemed like he was avoiding me and he said that was not intentional. He just needed a break from the house and the people that are there all the time, and I completely understand him because it sucks when there are a ton of people there and you just want to be alone with whoever. That’s part of the reason I like stopping by after I get out of work on Monday and Wednesday nights. It’s almost always just the three of them there, and that is our time. Things are so much more relaxed that way. Like last night. But anyways I’m digressing. Back to Sunday night…we talked about our conversation in front of Michelle on Friday which wasn’t too pleasant on either part. I apologized for the shampoo bottle comment and he apologized for the sex shit he was talking about. I still don’t know what he is up to, he is so mysterious. The mysteriousness is part of the attraction that pulls me into him. I don’t know why I just can’t shake these feelings. I’d be so much better off if I did. I was just in a somber mood for the majority of the weekend until Sunday. Anyways, we talked about a lot. And things felt better afterwards, I knew he felt it. We were back to normal in seconds after our talk. At least I think we were/are. We went to the hot tub and chilled until that crazy fucking huge-ass spider interrupted us. I got that fucker into a jar and Justin took it home and eventually set it free. I wouldn’t have let it go if it was me though because that is what my dad did on Saturday and that fucker came back! I’ve never seen such a crazy looking spider. anyways, i'll show this place, this world, one day at a time.

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