2003-12-07 - 1:47 a.m.

Sometimes I Cry
Sometimes when I'm alone
I cry because I'm on my own
The tears I cry R bitter and warm
They flow with life but take no form
I cry because my heart is torn
and I find it difficult 2 carry on
If I had an ear 2 confide in
I would cry among my treasured friends
But who do u know that stops that long
to help another carry on
The world moves fast and it would rather pass u by
than 2 stop and c what makes u cry
It's painful and sad and sometimes I cry
and no one cares about why.
~poem by Tupac Shakur

~ to wonder why i cry when i am alone is a dumb question that i will answer now anyway. when i am by myself i am left to fight off my thoughts alone. when there is company, there is a distraction to the vengeful illness in my head. sometimes when i'm alone i wish i was dead instead. i always try to comfort those in need, yet i loathe sympathy so don't try to lay it on me. nothing you say will take all my pain away. this snow has left me couped up in my house with the family. fun fun fun. i did a little decorating today, the christmas village deal we put up. and then i pretty much chilled, i attempted to watch gigli but it just sucked so i stopped in the middle of it. then i killed time til SNL came on and i ended up barely watching it because i was stoned and the music channel was calling me. well now that my high has warn off, i am by myself still as i always was spending the seconds wishing that someone was with me right now. someone that can talk back to me -no offense to my cat but i can only amuse myself soo much. i wonder what he's doing right now. i wonder if he's where i think he is, and even if he's not i bet he's with her wherever he is. i'm aching so much inside right now. my birthday is tuesday and i know i should be all happy and wotnot but my birthday also means bill's death day and again i get to go through this for the rest of my birthdays to come. right now there is just not too much to celebrate. i'm having trouble being happy. or at least content. i don't know if i've ever been happy. sometimes i seriously forget what it feels like. my heart hurts.

Kiss Me Fool ~ Fefe Dobson
Tell me who should I be to make you love me
Tell me what does it mean to be alone
Can't you see me standing staring out from a distance
Hear my cry, if you'd only listen
Out of focus, into me and you

Kiss me fool, if you care.
If your words have better meaning
Playin' it cool is so unfair
Why this veil of sacracy
God forbid, can't find out what we did.
Why can't someone like you be with someone like me.

Tell me who should I be to make you love me
Tell me what does it mean to be alone
Can't you see me standing staring out from a distance
Hear my cry, if you'd only listen
Out of focus, into me and you

Touch me fool, if you're allowed
I'll be dancing in the corner
It's so cruel to play a crowd
Take your hand and come with me
I'm aware that all in love is fair
But that's no reason to make me feel this way.

Tell me who should I be to make you love me
Tell me what does it mean to be alone
Can't you see me standing staring out from a distance
Hear my cry, if you'd only listen
Out of focus, into me and you

And it hurts me so bad to deny it
These feelings are out of control
Do you know what it's like to want something so bad
And then having to let it go
And it hurts me to know that this time in our lives
So soon you'll be in the past
And it's better pretending, playing it cool
Never knowing, never knowing, never knowing what...
What we should have been

Tell me who should I be to make you love me
Tell me what does it mean to be alone
You've got me wondering if...
I'm good enough, pretty enough, giving enough, special enough
Tell me who should I be to make you love me

Who should I be, who should I be, to make you love me
Who should I be, who should I be, to make you love me
Who should I be, who should I be, to make you love me
Who should I be, who should I be, to make you love me

~ once again you continue in this game you play. thursday night you're with me, and then friday night you leave to be with her and since it's snowing you conveiniantly stay with her saturday as well. i'm not going to be as relenting this time. you've been lying to me and i've just been taking it and i need to stand up for myself and find out what the fuck is going on, because you cannot have your cake and eat it too, you will not play me for a tool...if anything i will use you. but you know that's not true. i'm too nice to let that happen. but you're not nice enough it seems. i keep thinking to myself that if you keep coming back to me then she must not mean much but if you keep going back to her, then i must not mean much either. all of this time is wasted. i don't want to ruin the friendship we have. but you are so conniving i don't know what still exists of that friendship anymore... i can't make you love me, this i know is true, but can't nobody love you like i do... i wish to god that you would just be straight with me. why can't you just tell me the truth? please, i warned you in the beginning that i did not want to be the other girl, so if you were to start seeing someone else to let me know so that it doesn't end up that way....but it seriously seems like that's where this is going. you're sneaking off with me while she's at work. but then you're with her drunken ass when she's not at work. and you have no problem showing it off to people i hear. but yet you and i remain under lock and key. please be straight with me, i beg of you. why must you continue to play these games? why do i have to hear things about you from other people and not yourself. dammit. you're seriously fucking me up...

"We try to take it slow
But we're still losin control
And we try to make it work
But it still isn't the worst
And I'm craaazzzy
For tryin to be your laaadddy
I think I'm goin crazy"
Shut up ~ Black Eyed Peas

~ is that all there is? is that all there is? is that all there is? is that all there is?

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