2004-03-29 - 12:51 a.m.

Diary of a Madman / Lovesong ~ A Perfect Circle

Screaming at the window
Watch me die another day
Hopeless situation
Endless price I'll have to pay

Diary of a madman
Walk the line again today
Entries of confusion
Dear diary, I'm here to stay.

Sanity now and beyond me
I will always love you.
However long I stay
I will always love you.
Whatever words I say
I will always love you.
There's no choice.

Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I'm hopeless

Voices in the darkness
Scream away my mental health
Can I ask a question
To help me save me from myself?

Sanity now and beyond me
I will always love you.
However long I stay
I will always love you.
Whatever words I say
I will always love you.
There's no choice.

I will always love you.

Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I'm whole again
Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I'm whole again

I will always love you
There's no choice


~ this is so true. there is no choice. i am crying right now because i have no control over my emotions. they've runaway by themselves and they just do want they want no matter how i feel about it. i am have strong feelings for someone who sleeps with me but doesn't call me the next day, pulls all types of lies out of his ass, says one thing and does another, won't show me any special attention in front of anyone, makes me feel like shit so much that i've lost count of the times, tells everyone he doesn't like me, then tells me that they're lying when they tell me otherwise, just blew me off to go drink beer at his cousin's apartment with his cousin who is an alcoholic, and his cousin's current girlfriend who he fucked way before they started going out, and another girl who is known for messing around with just about everyone we've chilled with including him, and this big fat ugly roommate who pays more rent than the cousin does so what he says goes and he doesn't like me so when he's there i'm not to be, and they said they were going to this girls house only to not show up and ughh i hate him so much. but then i feel for him so much. and to list the good things would just be rediculous because i can't put some feelings into words that well. and we're both going in two totally different directions and he probably doesn't give a shit about me. he doesn't care. i know he doesn't. so i don't know why i waste my time. i just keep going back to him without hesitation and it bothers me because any sane female would've dropped him a long time ago. but i'm ugly on the outside so that is what i get stuck with. people like him. and i'm just mad at myself for letting my life revolve around his and for feeling so strongly for someone who i don't even think cares about me. i can't stay away from him. i've tried. but it's like smoking cigarettes, you can't quit something unless you're ready to quit. i'm not ready to quit smoking because i don't want to yet. i want to forget about him but i don't want to. i've never been more torn in my entire life. some of these feelings are outrageously overwhelming. and i feel good getting some of these things off my chest but i've just been trying not to think about my life right now. there's too much going on for me to keep up with, i'm losing view of my priorities and what's more important than other shit. i feel like i'm just barely living sometimes. like i'm just floating to get through the day.

past present future